You Have my Permission to be Controversial

“You have my permission to be controversial, and to ask the hard questions.”

Those were the words my wife said to me over the weekend. Before I get to that though; first a bit of background leading up to the conversation and context.

After a lovely pre-Easter holiday and a long weekend break for the Royal Wedding we spent a few days at my in-laws.

Over breakfast on our last day, before we headed back home, my mother-in-law mentioned a good childhood friend of my wife’s. A friend with whom she’s had sporadic contact since the breakup of her marriage. My in-laws are close to her parents, so we get much second-hand news from them. Anyway, it’s a long and messy story which has no place in this blog apart from the mention that this friend now proclaims “there is no God”. This is apparently due to the new man in said woman’s life.

The emotion with which my mother-in-law expressed this latest development made it clear that not only was she saddened by this news, but she was shocked to the point of considering it an immensely hurtful thing to say. While I can certainly appreciate why my mother-in-law feels that way, it didn’t fill me with any confidence as I edge myself closer to the point at which I make my confession.

What it did do though, was give me a chance to open up a conversation with my wife and Atheism and reduced faith. So I decided that I’d make use of that later in the day.

Later in the day turned out to be on the drive home. An hour and a half, when we could talk without interruption; thanks to a recently purchased in car DVD system for the daughter on the back seat.

I mentioned to my wife that I was a little taken by the strength of her mother’s response over news of her friend’s atheism. My wife acknowledged it was strong, then changed the focus to that of her friend and pointed out that given what she has been through, its hardly a surprise that she struggles with accepting there is a God, let alone manages to maintain a relationship with Him.

My wife made a good point, though personally I don’t accept the ‘bad things happened to me therefore there is no God’ argument. I find it a bit self absorbed and illogical. If you’re going to declare the absence of God, do it based on (lack of) evidence and logical conclusions, not because of some sob story. No matter how bad life may seem to you, there will always be someone in a worse situation who manages to praise God and be cheerful about it. So I have little sympathy for boohoo stories which try to justify non belief in God.

Of course my reply to my wife was more considered, plus she knows where I stand on this point anyway so there really was no need to extended explanation.

The conversation moved on a bit and at some point the news came on the radio to announce the death of Osama Bin Laden, so we meandered around that a while before eventually coming back on track.

We discussed our faith and my wife surprised me by saying she’d noticed my withdrawal from Christianity since my mothers death three years ago, she also noted that while my mother’s death wasn’t the cause that was about the time it started. (The story of my mother’s illness and death will come in time; my chronological narrative hasn’t reached that point yet.)

My wife is right of course and I was a little taken aback by her accurate insight, though the shame is mine for even thinking that my wife does not know me that well by now.

So I acknowledged my wife was right and admitted that my Christianity has suffered to the point that I was concerned that recovery to what it once was would be impossible. She accepted this as though she knew it already; maybe she did and was being gracious towards me. Maybe she knew I wasn’t being entirely truthful, if she did, she didn’t follow it up.

I knew I wasn’t being entirely truthful. In the past few months when I have been pondering over how to come clean I’ve decided the best way is to treat it as a journey and give my wife the chance to get used to the idea rather than spring it on her. Maybe I’m underestimating her again. Maybe she knows far better than I realise and is continuing to be gracious and loving. Either way I don’t want to rock the boat any more than I need to, my wife is precious to me and I’d rather live a lie than risk losing her.

Anyway, the conversation moved on some more and we talked about how we’d both been unhappy in our current church for at least a couple of years and it had likely moved to the point where recovery from that was impossible under the current leadership. The problem is that we have many good friends here. We’ve discussed moving church a few times and each time decided that was not what we wanted.

The future will change

However, that’s not where it ends. We recently decided to relocate and are in the process of finalising the sale of our house; we’ve yet to start packing and sorting out our accumulated junk. The move won’t happen until August, so we have some time yet.

The move is unrelated to our church situation, but it does mean that there will be a new church for us to attend. My wife made it clear that she would like us to be able to attend together and be a family at church again.

This is where we get to the above mentioned statement. In the context of being at church again my wife acknowledge the negative impact our recent church experience had had on us and asserted that she wanted the move to be a time to change that. I agree with her, though I didn’t voice that I was not so comfortable being a church goer again. This is something I will need to deal with in time.

Perhaps sensing this and knowing that silence on the subject has been part of our current problems finished with encouragement for me. She stated that she wants me to be more involved intellectually and vocally, to ask the difficult questions, the questions that my scientific mind brings up and to be controversial in it.

We’ll see how it goes, I’m not really one for speaking out and being controversial, but maybe a new found bravery will come.

Until then, there is packing to do….

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8 thoughts on “You Have my Permission to be Controversial

  1. I’m not much into the sob stories either. Everybody’s got one and someone else always has one that’s worse than your own. Though I do believe it can be a catalyst for asking difficult questions and searching for answers that prove out to be unsatisfying.

    It sounds to me as if your wife doesn’t want to be shut out of your journey. Something you once obviously shared has changed and she more than likely feels the same way about you that you do about her. She wants to be a part of whatever journey your on even if she can’t go with you.

    • Morning D’Ma,

      Thanks for the comment, you are of course right re my wife. My response is probably along the lines of, “I’d rather she came along with me because I don’t want to walk alone”.

      I guess I still have some working out to do on that, but at least I no longer have to fear the difficult subjects.

  2. After starting at the beginning of your blog I’ve just reached this point. To say that I can relate to much of what you have written is probably an understatement – but then I have been on this journey outside the walls of ‘traditional’ Christianity for some 40 years – and I have a wife of more than 50 years who is not on the same journey.

    I was a member of a church for more than 20 years that was not unreasonably considered by many to be both a cult and a sect. Evolution was seen to be the work of the devil – human history was seen to have been nearly 7000 years – with the imminent return of Christ (I didn’t even bother to transfer some pension rights when I changed jobs because I ‘knew’ that Christ would return before I was due to retire in 2000).

    I know what it’s like to sell up and move house – you probably wont have much time. But I have come to the conclusion that there is an enormous difference between the Christian RELIGION and the Christian FAITH.

    Are you really an atheist or are you an agnostic? I’m asking many controversial questions on my blog. I’d be interested to know what your reaction is to “The Story of Life – possible scenarios” where I ask, “What does the story of Genesis mean to you?”. What do you think of the definition of “Christendom”?

    D’Ma’s comment about your wife wanting to be part of the journey you are on even if she can’t go with you was very poignant. It’s now two years since I made the decision that I could no longer attend church with my wife (I still take her every week). She hasn’t yet looked at my updated blog – but I hope she will soon!

    • Hi Peter,

      You make good points, I shall check out your blog shortly.

      I agree regards religion and faith. A long long time ago I took the stance that I was a Christian but I was not religious. I didn’t like the religious label at all.

      To answer your other question. I am now an atheist. I’ve gone beyond questioning the existence of God and now no longer accept that there is any god at all.

  3. Pingback: That Certainly is Convenient | Confessions Of A YEC

  4. Important in logic = absence of observation apart from any consideration of probability is absence in a vacum which is not the best way to consider absence. In all evidence probability should at least be considered. Make acceptions when the absence or presence contradicts the assumed probability. For example, a man thinks it is probable that the world is flat because he only ever sees flatness. But a latter observation contradicts the assumed probability. We can see clearly that any human mind has its limits. I just wanted to point out the importance of probability even with regard to an absence I guess.

  5. Pingback: Two Things that Happened last Sunday « Confessions Of A YEC

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